Summer

How many times can I come
back to this place?
And how much it changes over time.
How this music made tears flow from my face.
Now, it is a different feeling;
A different vision.
I used to see you and your chameleon irises.
I used to see a veil over my face.
What used to be white has turned to yellow and green
and blue.
Bright blue.
I now see a brilliant day.
A gorgeous day.
A day when my bare skin can touch the air
and feel wonderful.
A day when the lilies are in full bloom.
What used to be winter
is now summer
What used to be dead
is now alive.

Pachelbel - Canon In D Major

Planned Parenthood Shenanigans

"Planned Parenthood Federation of America is the nation's leading sexual and reproductive health care provider and advocate".
So, let me ask and pardon my French in doing so; Why the fuck are they trying to getting rid of it?  
I watched news casts from both conservative and liberal stations, go figure, they are polar opposites on the subject, just like political parties are with pretty much everything.  I have to go left for this one.  Fox News argues that they're telling young girls to get rid of their problems with abortion and they want to hear as little about their situations as possible... For instance, if they were raped by some 40 year old man, they should keep that to themselves.  Do I agree that this is wrong?  Yes.  Obviously, whether you are young or old, it is important for you to get your story out, but in the same token, that's not what Planned Parenthood is about.  You go to Planned Parenthood with a problem, they will give you a solution, they won't give you therapy.  Instead of getting rid of Planned Parenthood altogether, why not just get rid of the people that act so rudely in these situations?  And, if this organization no longer has the funding, where are these women going to go? 
I remember one time I went with my friend to this "Women's Center" place.  She was pregnant.  She wanted to make sure.  She was, but the option of abortion was not brought up one single time.  Instead, they gave her a bag with baby cloths in it and some Christian quotes over life and children.  Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.  She was very young at the time and was not financially or emotionally ready for a child. 
The last time that I checked, this was a nation founded on diverse religions, so why are we advocating places like this instead of places like Planned Parenthood.  Planned Parenthood is the place to go for underage kids with genuine concerns that they do not want to reveal to their parents.  Perhaps, instead of cutting the funding, they should look for ways to improve a much needed program. 
Come on America, let's think about the ladies too.  Maybe they should start cutting the funding to some of these political leaders that have their heads so far up their asses that they can't even be remotely down to earth and know 'real-life' situations.

Bright Eyes - Lime Tree

Dreamin On a Grey Afternoon

Dreams have always intrigued me, I suppose because when I do remember my dreams they are so damn vivid to the point where I can remember them years down the line.
Last night I had a dream that I was in one of the buildings on campus, when all of a sudden about a hundred cops were outside and I could hear my name come from their lips.  Apparently, they had accused me of murder because I happened to be in the same building around the same time as someone was murdered or perhaps committed suicide.  Instead of confronting them and admitting that I played no part in the death, I ran.  I don't know why, it is something that I would never do.  Family and friends were helping me hide, but only for short periods of time because, in dream world, the cops were all over the crime and in high pursuit of finding me.  Posters were up, pictures on the television.  News reports.  Finally, I found refuge in a cottage that my brother and sister in law had just recently moved out of, but had not sold.  This is when I woke up.
According to dream interpretation, the dream represents that I am failing in honoring my commitments and obligations.  It also implies that I'm being overwhelmed, shocked, and disappointed.  It also says that I may be getting a sense of rejection from people around me and that I harbor inspirational emotions.  It also talks about internal battles with myself and anxiety over the future.  It says that the cottage may represent an altered sense of reality and escaping responsibilities.
It's funny because I think that these dream interpreters look way too deep into dreams, but for once, the interpretation is pretty accurate.  My laziness has really peaked to an all time high and I want to change this so badly.

40 Day Dream by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes

Longing to Leave

There is such a big big world and I don't get out of the town I'm in nearly as much as I should.  You probably don't either.  Be spontaneous and go somewhere.  Right now.  You only live once, why not?

New York - Cat Power

Just a Shitty Day

Some people call it checks and balances.  I call it life.  There are some days when I feel on top of the world.  There are other days when I feel like, well, shit.  Today is one of those shitty days.  It all started last night and continually got worse throughout the day.    BUT, it is days like this that makes days like tomorrow so much better, unless if that happens to be as shitty as today, which is possible.  I guess these are the days when I feel like everything that I've been working toward is pointless and getting me nowhere and how I should have worked harder and how I can never be as great as I want to be.  Instead of ranting about how my life sucks, well, I'll stop.  There is no easy solution to these problems. Too bad I am a poor bitch.  This is one of those days where if I had a reliable vehicle, I would drive for hours and hours, just to clear my mind.

It's days like this that I realize how grateful I am for my friends.

Corinne Bailey Rae - Put Your Records On

5 Reasons Why Women Are the Way We Are

I understand that men struggle with women, as far as our behaviors and emotions, but you know what?  There is a reason that we are the way that we are, which can sometimes be crazy.  But the truth is we're beautiful creatures that should be respected.  I've never been exactly a feminist, per say, but I feel that women are equally as crazy as men and we deserved to be treated that way especially in the world that we live in now.

So here's my 5 reasons why we are the way that we are
1.) Hormones... you trying having excess hormones and be normal, seriously.  There is at least a solid week where our hormones control our lives.  We realize that we are being crazy, but we can't help it.  Sorry, but not really.  You want to blame someone, blame genetics or God.
2.) We can hold a child.  Now, I know that this seems inadequate and rather... duh-ish.  BUT, this plays an important role in sex.  Some women just don't enjoy having sex because they are scared that they are going to get pregnant and although men have to deal with this too, to a certain extent, it ultimately boils down to what the woman chooses to do.
3.) Make-up.  I'm not too entirely sure why or where this shit was invented, but it took off like woah.  If we don't take thirty to forty minutes a day getting ready (and that's if we're quick), we risk looking like crack whores and hearing shit from all sorts of people.
4.) Hair prep.  This kind of goes along with the last one, but appearance is super important in our culture, for some odd reason, and the majority of us cannot just walk out of the door without doing something to our hair.  So, yes, we can get irritated with all this prep.
5.) Double-standards.  This mainly boils down to sex.  It is, in our society, completely okay if a guy sleeps with a lot of women, but if a woman sleeps with a lot of men, well, they are a slut or a whore.  Now, you try to be single and have somewhat of a sex life with that double standard, it doesn't work.

I'm not going to lie, there are pleasures in life that we get to indulge ourselves in.  For instance, chivalry.  There is no doubt that I love getting a meal paid for or movies or whatever and for that certain 'tradition', I do feel bad for men, but you know what?  There's just some things that should and will never change :) Deal with it.  But, know that we know that we're crazy, but the truth is boys, you couldn't live without us and you won't so get used to it and try to understand that our body works differently than yours.

I Am Woman - Helen Reddy

An Ode to Mr. Jimmy Jon Redcorn

When my heart broke into tiny little pieces, I never thought that it would be able to mend, but let me tell you what, it did.  I give full responsibility to Mr. Jimmy.  He is not the typical guy that I go for, that's for damn sure.  I'm not exactly country girl material and he is a country boy.  His whole family comes from a labor intensive family, whereas the majority of mine has sat at desks for most of their lives.  He works on cars.  I don't know shit about cars.  What I do know is that it took me five long months to fall in love with him, but when I did, I fell hard.  We're the corny couple that lays out on blankets during the middle of the summer and stargazes for hours.  We're the corny couple that read books out loud to each other.  We're the corny couple that jams out to Sinatra while road tripping.  We are both goofy motherfuckers and that, my friends, is where we find our middle ground.
My point is that sometimes things work out best if you think outside of the box.  Sometimes you have to break that normality that you are so used to because the best things in life are the things that are unexpected. 
Happy Valentine's Day everybody, I hope you find a love like that someday.

Frank Sinatra - The Way You Look Tonight

Getting Back in the Game

After heartbreak, where do you go?  I mean, you committed your full trust in someone, possibly lost touch or just plain lost some of your friends, and gave 110% love just to have your heart torn savagely apart.  The best way to get over a break up is reinvention, at least that's always the way that I deal with it.  Lose that extra weight you have been carrying around for however long.  Get your hair dyed.  Get that piercing or that tattoo.  Party your ass off and hook up with random people.  Above all, put faith in your friends and family because they are the ones that are still around and always will be. 
As far as new love, well, don't rush it.  There are many more fish in the sea (incredibly cliche, but true).  As difficult as it may be to comprehend, we are genetically engineered to have multiple partners and that soul mate stuff if bullshit.  We, as humans have the chemical possibilities to fall in love more than once.  The only advice that I can really give is to live and learn.  Learn from mistakes made in the past, wear a protective armor around your heart and the people that will treat you properly will chisel past that armor because they know that you are worth it.  Which you are. Just because one person is not compatible with you, doesn't mean that others aren't.  It simply means that they were too stupid to see what a great person you are.  Don't give up and don't listen to that lovey dovey heartbreak shit because all that does is trigger depression.

Three Little Birds - Bob Marley

Unrequited

Kate Nash - Nicest Thing

There is nothing worse than unrequited love and unfortunately, it happens ALL THE TIME.  Whether it be with a close friend, a distant friend, a co-worker, or just some random person that keeps popping into your life, either end of the stick gets screwed on the deal of unrequited love (at least those that don't play with others).
Unrequited love is pretty self explanatory, someone is into the person way more than the other person.  It is embarrassing if you swallow your pride to admit that you like someone, just to find out that they do not feel the same way about you.  On the other end of the spectrum, you could really enjoy spending time with someone that happens to be in love with you.  If you keep hanging out with them and acting the same, it is very unlikely that those feelings will just 'poof' disappear.  All in all, unrequited love is one of the hardest things that anyone and everyone will ever have to deal with and quite honestly, there's no easy solution to the problem.

You Could Be Happy

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy

This is by far one of the most depressing songs that I have ever listened to and I'm sure that many people can agree with that.  Why?  Because every single one of us that has been in love wonders 'what if'.  What if I stayed with him?  What if I moved back home to be with him?
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my first love.  I always felt like it was some weird obsession, but I have come to realize that there are many people that go through it.  How can I not think about someone that I spent more than half of my life with... the half of which was my entire teenage years.  I will never forget him.  Of course, I will never forget what he did to me either.  I will never forget the mistakes that I made with him and the regrets and bundles of guilt that I have due to those mistakes.
I have come to realize that most of the time things don't exactly work out the way that they were planned to work out, but that doesn't mean that life has a bunch of failure in store for your future.  Instead, it means that you are supposed to learn from previous mistakes that were made.
My past relationship did not have loyalty, trust, or honesty.  I always thought that was the kind of thing that could develop over time.  I have come to learn that it's not like that at all though.  It's like when you walk into a classroom for the first day and the teacher tells you that you have an 'A' (a 100% so far), but that can change easily with the level of commitment that you put forth.  Really, it's the same with relationships.  If you start out honest.  If you start out loyal.  If you start out trustworthy than that person has no reason to doubt you or lie to you unless if you make a mistake.  It's not really the sort of thing that can develop overtime.  Although, I must admit that it took me a few months with my current boyfriend to have trust in anyone, but that's simply because I was still so broken from the past.
There are naive parts of me that I will never get back.  There are pieces of my heart that will always remain broken. 
To the singles: Make sure that you find yourself before you try to find others.

The Bitch about Love

With it being so close to Valentine's Day, I decided that for the next week, my blogs are going to be love related.  I think I'm going to start with the Love sucks theme and then move toward loving love closer to V-Day.  So, toward the beginning of the week, singles, this is for you.

Love fucking blows.  Stay single


Single - Natasha Bedingfield

To the Fish

Now, I know this may sound silly, but I get very attached to my pets.  I had a betta, Carlos, that died this morning.  It is really weird the feeling I get inside from the passing of Carlos.  Like, I can remember many a time talking to him while I was doing dishes or going to the pet store to get him new decorations.  He loved new decorations.
I sound pretty crazy right now.
Okay, so Carlos was a loved pet.  There is no doubt.

The drinking I'm partaking in tonight is for Carlos...

How to Throw and Amazing Afterparty

So, there have been times, I'm sure where they have last calls for drinks and you are definitely not ready to stop partying... What do you do?  Throw an after party.  This is when you invite a mass group of people back to your house, whether you know them or not (although it probably is a better move to make sure that you at least kind of sort know some of them).  The house can be small or big, it doesn't really matter to drunk people.  All you need is music, cheap alcohol, and an awesome roommate.  I have all three of those things.  Tips for this though, always keep a party playlist on your ipod, which includes remixes, dubstep, or popular music that everyone can jam to.  Always keep a cheap bottle of alcohol in the house for unexpected guests.  If you invite someone to your house it is necessary to offer them some drink or some sex.  I tend to offer the first 99.9% of the time.  There is always a bottle of Komkatcha or Dark Eyes vodka in the freezer, just waiting for guests.  Really, it's easy, just don't stop the party.  Keep it going down the street back to your house.  There was one time, someone came over and brought a whole bucket full of jungle juice.  It was fantastic.  After parties happen often in this household and sometimes, they're more fun than the party you were at!  My roommate and I have seriously considered getting a babysitter though, after someone puked in our sink.  Get those speakers pumping and don't stop the party!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0H57JeQYN4

How to Convincingly Lie

Now, I do not condone lying, because quite honestly, things seem to work out better if you were to just admit the truth.  However, I have come to realize that there are certain times when lying is almost necessary.  If there is one thing that I have learned from my ex, it is how to lie... He has me beat, but I picked up a few tips along the way.
1.) Come up with something that you, yourself would believe and go out of your way to make sure that it cannot be proven as a lie.
For example: When I was in high school one time, I wanted to skip class to hang out with my boyfriend at the time.  At lunch, I stole a ketchup pack, went to the bathroom, and applied it to my genital region (on the pants).  Oh no, Miss Office Lady, I started my period.  Wam Bam, there you go.  No one is going to argue with that. Although, if you are a man, I don't suggest this one... Instead, tell them you have explosive diarrhea or something.
2.) Convince yourself that the lie is the truth.  I have come to realize that it is not incredibly difficult to do this.  All you have to do is recite it over and over and over until you can't even remember the full true story.  This way, you can also have your story straight just in case if anyone questions it.
3.) Put on your acting skills.  All of us were equipped with them, all of us have the capability to use them effectively.  The time that this is super appropriate is at gift giving time, when you get that super lame gift that you can't even understand why someone would get it for you.
For example:  My grandmother never gives amazing gifts, as much as she tries it just doesn't happen, bless her heart.  One year I got this sweatshirt with an 'A' on the front.  An 'A', that doesn't even make any sort of sense.  It was hideous aside from not making sense, BUT, she is my grandmother and I love her to death so I used my acting skills.  By the end of the day, you would have thought that she gave me the best gift that I have ever gotten in my whole life.
4.) Never switch up your story.  This goes along with the first two.  No matter how ridiculous the whole story may be, no one can convict you otherwise, unless if they have proof.  Therefore, stick to your original story as much as possible.
5.) Lastly, if you get caught, admit the truth.  It is not only more noble to admit that you fucked up, but if you are trapped in a corner, give yourself the freedom, no matter how painful it may be.  Afterall, we are human, we are imperfect, and we are all bound to make mistakes.

Sam the Fag Hag

Here is when my blog becomes slightly political (according to who you are).  If you are my mom reading this then you would think it is political.  However, if this is someone similar to me, then homosexuality is not seen as a political issue at all.
I guess my personal opinion on the whole subject is rather strange.  I see the world through the eyes of one of the biggest potheads in the world, Mr. Bob Marley.  I like to preach one love and believe that everyone believes or feels the way that they do for their own reasons, which I should not judge.  I support gays and I support gay marriage... To a certain extent.  
I was always raised Catholic.  I was a member of the church until I was a senior in high school.  So, that's 17 years of my life I was a dedicated Catholic.  Quite honestly, I was not a fantastic Catholic, which I will get into in one of my later blogs.  I don't really feel as though anyone could be because we were all born with imperfections and we all make mistakes.  However, homosexuality is not something that one can help.  Do I think that homosexuals should get married in a Catholic church?  No.  See, I have come to understand that many things are just the way that you interpret them and if there is a church out there, which I'm sure there is, that does not focus so much on the fact that marriage is between a woman and a man, then gays should be able to get married.  I understand that we are a Christian nation, but gay marriage should not be something political, it should be purely a religious battle.  If there is a church out there that allows gay marriage it should be allowed. 
I remember one time my brother said to me, "If we allow gays to get married then we should allow animals to get married to people and the whole idea of marriage is completely ruined".  This is bullshit.  This really pissed me off.  Animals do not have a conscious like humans do, and if they do, they do not have the mental capacity to agree on a union.  Homosexuals and animals should not fall into the same category.
Some of my better friends throughout my life have been gay and I support them and wouldn't want them any other way.  Some of those friends are more religious than me, but religions deny them because of their sexual orientation.  I, personally, am open to love, wherever it comes from.  I don't see myself with a woman in the future, because quite honestly, we're overly emotional and I just cannot deal with that.  But, I never can tell what the future may bring and twenty years from now, who knows where I will be. Love is a beautiful thing and we should never restrict the opportunity for ourselves or others.
I guess the real deal breaker for this whole issue (gay marriage) comes with the fact that I have had quite a few friends that claim themselves to be atheist get married.  Atheism is when someone denies the existence of any sort of higher power.  So an atheist person is allowed to get married as long as the relationship is heterosexual, however, a gay christian (jew, muslim, or whatever) cannot get married because the union is not heterosexual.  
Can someone please tell me what's wrong with this picture?

How to Be Gracefully Lazy

I don't know if it has something to do with the generation that I was born into and how our attention span is equivalent to a ...uh.. What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, goldfish.  Anyway, laziness is my number one attraction.  Love it or leave it, it's what I do and what I do well.  This includes procrastination.  It also includes half-assing my way through just about everything.  It includes starting many projects, but not finishing them.  The list goes on an on really.  I guess the only thing that I have never been lazy about was communication and social skills, which I suppose, go hand in hand.  With badass communication skills, I have learned the delightful art of manipulation with just a splash of luck. 

There was one point in time when I was taking a class at the University.  I attempted to drop it because my laziness had, once again, gotten the best of me.  I went to the administration building, got one of those little green pieces of paper, I just needed the professors signature and the process would be done.  However, my teacher was oddly fond of me, and tried to convince me that I could do it, I really could.  I had two days to make up all of my missed homework assignments, which was, oh, about 90% of the semester worth of assignments.  I half-assed my way through the assignments, which in my defense, had to do with the fact that it was finals week and I had a ton of other things to do. <- Believe it or not, I'm actually productive for about the last four weeks of a semester and usually somehow end up pulling my shit together.  So anyway, I know that I was going to get below a C in the class, there was no doubt.  I hadn't even learned the criteria exceptionally well!   I was working on the final that made absolutely no sense when I got a note passed to me.  I glanced around the room and opened it up "Sam, what grade do you need in this class? -Ms. ********".  I wasn't going to be ridiculous and say an A, because after all, I would be happy to get a B- in the class, so that's what I wrote.  Oddly enough, that's what popped up as my final grade.  Now perhaps, I really had deserved that B-.  I tend to keep it pretty close with my teachers and stay in touch, even get to know them on a personal level sometimes.  I do go to class almost every day, unless if I have a legitimate excuse (I slept through my alarm, sick, etc.).  I just find it ironic that due to amazing communication efforts, but little work I got exactly what I was okay with.  

This is the way that my life works, for the most part as a graceful underachiever.