Irresolution

There are some times that I simply don't know what to say.  It is now 9:16 in the morning, and I want so much to start using this thing more often and in a more positive manner, but the only time I seem to use it anymore is when I'm pissed off or sad.

Maybe my life has gotten that boring.

Here I am, my last day of "summer break".  Next week I will start classes.  Six hours a day Monday through Friday.  My summer will be spent as though I am in high school all over again.  So today, I will be lazy.  I will be in a vegetative manner until work, and then once again after work.
Or
I could do something totally spontaneous
and fun!
Something that I will not get to do for the next ten weeks....
Something in boring small town Indiana
(Which means I'll have to get creative on a tight budget)
Submerse myself into beautiful, free, sunny, perfectly temperatured outdoors

Or
I could clean my house
and blare music
on the speakers
with the windows open
the natural sunlight filtering through bright light-bulb-less rooms
dishwash dancing


Wow.  That's a lot (of prepositional phrases) to take in.

Or
I could be a nerd
sit
on the porch
and catch up
on some reading

Some times the unplanned blase days turn out to be some of the best.

Pink Floyd - Shine On You Crazy Diamond

Trust No One, but Yourself

Sometimes, I have this problem with putting entirely too much trust in people.  For some reason, I automatically assume that their actions are going to mimic mine and that they won't hurt me.  But people... these people that I have had trust issues with, they are the reason why I don't really have trust in the human race.  They are the reason why I consider humans to be more of a parasite than a superior being.  People that have made me lose my trust are the reason why I consider myself agnostic.
It's really disappointing when this happens.
Really disappointing.
I guess I haven't lost faith in ALL people, but there are very few and far in between that I can trust and that is sad.
Someone once told me that three out of five sentences that people speak are lies.  I found that hard to believe.  Now I don't.  I really don't.
An ex boyfriend once told me to trust no one but myself.. and although I don't entirely agree with the statement, I agree with it enough to remember and to take it as partial advice.

Panic! At the Disco

Armor

Life has its fair share of ups and downs.  Learning to deal with the downs is probably one of the most difficult parts.  Rejection is my trigger of depression, as I'm sure it is the same for everyone else.  I take it personally when someone tells me no.  Perhaps, I am a Cancerian with a weak shell.  Maybe, rejection helps us grow as people and learn not to repeat certain behaviors or actions.  When in the moment, it's hard to break free from that downward spiral thought process.  Moral of the story, don't wear your heart on your sleeve, people like to play with it when you do that.
I guess, get your stronger armor ready, because it is a rough rough world.

Raise Your Weapon - DEADMAU5

Mmmmhmm

There comes a point in single life where you get really comfortable.  Once you get here, it's a good feeling.  Not one to feel selfish over either.  You will have more confidence in yourself.  You will want to do things for yourself.  You will want to experiment new things and new people.  It is in this comfortable moment that you will figure out what it is you want to do with your life.  It is this moment that you figure out that no matter what Heaven or Hell may exist (if they do), you only live one life on Earth, so why not make the absolute best of it for yourself?



Young, Wild, and Free Dubstep Remix

How to Avoid Dickheads

Every single woman gets excited at the dating prospect.  When a guy asks a girl on a date, even if we refuse, it is still nice to get the attention.  We appreciate it.
Going on the actual date can be nerve wrecking.  You bet your ass we are going to our friends for advice on what to wear, whether or not we look and smell amazing.  If we look too desperate or not desperate enough.  What we should say, what we should not say.  Whether or not to go into exes or baggage details.  If a kiss happens at the end of the night, are we moving to fast, or is that allowed?
When a guy sweeps a girl off of her feet, to the point where she is talking about him more than just about everything else in her life and making sacrifices to see him again.  Well... maybe you should reconsider.
The truth... 65% of guys, at least in their 20's are looking for nothing more than a lay.  Live and learn.  Do not sleep with the guy until you are comfortable enough to share that baggage, which should not happen until at least date three.  If you give yourself on the first date, you would be the exception to the rule if things work out.  If you put out on the second date, well, things are still shaky.  Make sure you know what you want and what he wants.  Establish boundaries.  Make sure he's into you, or you might end up not only feeling like a whore, but feeling miserable as well.  Dating is a toss up.  You never know how things are going to end up.  You never know how well connected you are going to be with the person.  So give it time.  If he pressures you into anything sexual, you don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable doing.  If he persists, then he is not worth your time... Unless if you are looking for a fuck buddy or a friend with benefits.
Just keep yourself in mind throughout the entire process.  Don't go for anything less than what you deserve.  There are plenty of fish in the sea and until you find your fishmate, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single.  You are free!

Feelin' Good (Bassache Remix) - Nina Simone

Dilated

They say that something in the chemicals in your body triggers your pupils to dilate when you are attracted to someone.  It is almost like the human mating call, a natural impulse of attraction.  Maybe, what we make so complicated really is not.  Maybe marriage is not essential to life.
Society.  No one wants to be the ugly ducking.  Every day, Facebook profiles, magazines, newspapers, etc. have wedding pictures popping up constantly.  The older you get the more this happens... and then babies start getting thrown into the mix.  No one wants to raise a child on their own.
There are ways to avoid that.
All of that.


Eyes On Fire - Blue Foundation

A Breath of Fresh Air

Beautiful autumn day in the Midwest.  Leaves gleaming in brilliant reds and rustic oranges, leaves crumpling to the ground in a dismal brown.  Sunlight capturing and illuminating the colors.  As the sun hits my shoulders, my body finally grows to the chill in the air.  No need for a jacket; a sweater or sweatshirt brings warmth back to the body just fine.
These are the days when it feels like there is a heaven on Earth.

Nothing like cuddling up on a chair in fresh air with a book in hand, enjoying the day. 
Thinking life may not be as bad and complicated as we sometimes make it.
Breath - Pink Floyd

Friday Night Calls for a Drink

Friday night.  After a week full of work and school.  There is nothing better than a nice cold alcoholic beverage, some fantastic friends, and a GREAT time.  You should all try it while alive.


Cracks - Flux Pavillion Remix

Apparition

Everything worth saving hangs on my wall.  Everything from ticket stubs to pictures to bar wristbands to play bills and paintings.  Looking at each and every one brings back memories of mostly amazing times.  Today the ticket stub with his name on it for "A Christmas Carol" fell onto the floor and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach.
This boy did for me one Christmas something beyond romantic.  It was the best gift that has ever been given to me by a boy.  I went to go see "A Christmas Carol"  in Jr. High and was really impressed with the theater and the entire production.  It was an annual occurrence. Still is.  He told me to meet him at his apartment and to wear something nice.  I pulled out my black cocktail dress from the back of the closet.  Diamond studded heels.  Garter belt complete with garters and thigh highs.  Hair straight and pulled to the side.  Make-up flawless.  He was wearing black dress pants with a button up metallic-esque (not club metallic, but slightly shiny) green shirt with a black, perfectly tied tie.  He looked so handsome.  The green in his shirt made the blue in his eyes pop.  As we were about to leave, he pulled out a gift perfectly wrapped in festive paper from underneath the tinsel covered, LED lighted, tiny little tree we had decorated just two weeks prior. "Merry Christmas".  In it was the most tasteful, breathtaking diamond bracelet and earring set.  I was overly impressed already, and the night had just begun.  He took me to an excellent Italian restaurant, where we gorged ourselves in delicious carbohydrates.  Then he walked me down to the theater, where my Jr. High memories were brought to life again.  That was what let me know I was truly in love with him.  Not because of the material items, but because he actually listened and proceeded to take it to a whole new level.  A level that is only seems to be real in Disney movies.

It is hard to find a guy like that.
It is hard to not miss a guy like that when he is gone.

He is gone.

Like most relationships, the romance faded.  We laid under the stars and talked for hours about nothing.  We used to read to each other.  We used to rock out to 80's hair band music while on road trips.  We used to have the kind of love that people were envious over.  Eventually, distance got the better of that love, and it faded.
Now, as he possibly holds the hands of other women and sweeps them off their feet, my head begins to focus on things like alcohol and homework (never together though), future career and living location.  Love is not hard to find, but love is one of the hardest things to let go.
These apparition memories play like a movie over and over and over.
 


Adele- Someone Like You

My Heart Strings

My heart strings are starting to fray.  My stomach is filled with butterflies and what may or may not be vomit.  You are the soul cause of this and I hate that because somehow I should block all feelings.  I should wear one of those protective medieval armors and not let anyone through.  Feelings are unintentional and compulsive.  Maybe I just should not feel at all.  Catch myself before I fall.  Get my shit together and then worry about these things.  Ugh, if only life worked that way.

Black & Gold - Sam Sparro

I made an alarm, but did not set it.  Therefore, no laundry, no ceiling fan cleaned.
This is the life of a graceful underachiever.

Insomnia

That time always rolls around when I know that I should be sleeping, but am wide awake.  I smoke a cigarette as though it's going to sooth me to sleep, instead, it makes my breath taste stale to the point where I need to brush my teeth.  So I brush my teeth.  Now I'm feeling so fresh and clean, it wakes me up... So I watch movies or surf the internet for a few hours until I can see the sun rising.  Crap.  So I try to close my eyes, but other senses intensify.  I can hear the clock ticking in the apartment above mine.  I can hear the birds start to chirp outside.  I can still smell cigarette on my hands and in my hair.  Brr... It's cold, now I have to get re-situated.  Eyes are open again, so I continue to watch movies, or play games, or surf the internet or stare at the ceiling fan.  Then I start to think about how I really should wipe off the fan blades, I'm sure there's at least an inch of dust on it by now.  I'll have to remember to do that tomorrow... I'll never remember, so I grab my phone and set an alert, "Clean up you dirty bitch" is what it says and it will go off at approximately 2:30 PM.  I'm sure that I will still have my phone on silent though and I really don't have enough time to do it after class, before work... So I set it for a later time.  Now I notice how high the stack of clothes is getting... need to do laundry.  I can multitask, do an assignment while doing some laundry and during a break from homework I can clean the fan blades.  Perfect.  Now that I have that figured out, I need to smoke a cigarette, maybe nicotine will help stop my thinking and help me sleep.

Brain Stew - Green Day

The Struggle to Fight Failure

I have come to the conclusion that everyone at some point in their lives deals with failure, but sometimes I feel as though some deal with it more than others.  Funny how karma works... I had a picture perfect childhood, guess that means my adult life will not be so grand.  Rainy days always bring unsettling feelings.
I know that I stated previously that life is all about what you make it, but sometimes, it's difficult to see life through naive eyes because, well, the truth is, life just sucks sometimes.  Sometimes we are faced with challenges as large as elephants that seem too big to conquer.  I don't really have any words of wisdom to fight this failure disease.  All I know is that it does no good to quit before trying and get over the fear of flying. 

Alexi Murdoch - Dream About Flying

Feelings are Funny

You know how many many people say that time heals everything?  It is the truth.  Feelings are silly.  They can be so intense quite often, but at others, well, they just don't exist or they fade into the background like contemporary folk music does in commercials.  Feelings over bigger things like, health, those can go out the window too.  Feelings for family can fade if you ignore them long enough.  Remember when your dog or cat died?  Or even your Carlos fishy?  Yeah, it was incredibly sad.  It probably made you cry, but you didn't think about it twenty times today, right?  Like the day that you first lost whatever it was that you had.  Let go, live, learn, and be patient with time.  And fun.  Remember to have fun in the process... If you don't, it gets a wee bit too intense.


If I Ever Leave this World Alive by Flogging Molly

Random Things that Happen

Sometimes, with headphones on, music is not playing, only noises.


Music Without Words
More Awesomeness

I Apologize in Advance for the Promiscuous Lifestyle I May Embark In

Single life... ahhh... a breath of relief.   Freedom.  Do anything on my terms with anyone I please.  I don't know how this is going to go, it has been so long since I've been single, but I do know that for the next ten days or so, I plan on being under the influence every single night.  Bon Voyage mon petite amie.  Je t'adore toujours.

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine

Optimism

No, I have not been alive for too long. I can't say that I have ever really taken full responsibility for all aspects of my life. There are many experiences that I have yet to obtain. I hardly make any money. I am in debt, like everyone else alive. Although I've been working on it, I admit that I'm not pleased with my health. I'm not perfect in anyway. I guess that's what makes me human.
Throughout the twenty-two years that I have been alive, I have realized that an optimistic lifestyle cures every madness and struggle that one can have. Life can be all that much better if only we could all look on the bright side of things.
Bad days do happen. Lessons are sometimes learned in the most difficult ways possible. Sometimes, we get let down by people that we put our full trust in. We all make mistakes that hurt ourselves or others. Why dwell on what pains us? Why beat ourselves up and bring ourselves further down because of one little flawed option that life gave us? It simply does not make sense.
Play in the rain, even if your hair gets frizzy. Dance, even if there isn't music. Feel the music, even if it isn't your favorite genre. Sing, even if you can't. Smile, it makes you more approachable. Laugh, even if you feel like crying. Don't judge anyone, because ultimately, we all have similar problems. Open your mind and listen to others opinions and beliefs, even if you don't always agree. Try not to have such a shallow eye, there's too much beauty among everything to turn your back on it. Respect is a lovely thing to give and receive, worth more than money. Loyalty is one of the strongest characteristics a person can have. Don't lie, you would be surprised how many people understand and would rather here the truth. Love with all of your heart, even if it's been broken.
Life is too short.

 Ingrid Michaelson - Everybody

Depression

Depression is where (excuse my French) you don't really give a fuck about anything anymore.  Depression is where you cannot even release yourself through your release, whether it be writing, painting, running, fixing things, dancing, driving, playing an instrument, etc.
Depression is when you don't really feel like doing much of anything, although you don't want to be alone. 
Depression is where you can sit alone for hours just thinking about how much your life sucks in a silent atmosphere.
Depression is where you don't feel as though dying would be a horrible thing.
Depression is where every single food put in front of your face seems unappetizing.
Depression is where, even though you feel as though you're  at rock bottom, you just keep sinking further into the black abyss.

Creep - Radiohead

FAT America

It is a well known fact that the United States of America is one of the fattest countries on this planet. There are so many movies, so many advertisements, so many television shows, news broadcasts, posters, labels that go into detail about this gruesome statistic.  It's about time for me to shed that bad American heritage.
The American Food Song

That Might Be Nice

 Two strangers meet, and the bond is so intriguing that they have the ideology to get married within only a few months.  Immediate attraction.  Bold moves and fearless behaviors.  A glimmer in the eyes that make a chest feel hollow.  Compelling emotions triggered to life. An amazing aroma inhaled into previously unoccupied areas.  Primal pairing.  The heart thinks before the head and regret becomes an everyday thought .....or does it?




Bright Eyes - First Day of My Life
First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes