How to Throw and Amazing Afterparty

So, there have been times, I'm sure where they have last calls for drinks and you are definitely not ready to stop partying... What do you do?  Throw an after party.  This is when you invite a mass group of people back to your house, whether you know them or not (although it probably is a better move to make sure that you at least kind of sort know some of them).  The house can be small or big, it doesn't really matter to drunk people.  All you need is music, cheap alcohol, and an awesome roommate.  I have all three of those things.  Tips for this though, always keep a party playlist on your ipod, which includes remixes, dubstep, or popular music that everyone can jam to.  Always keep a cheap bottle of alcohol in the house for unexpected guests.  If you invite someone to your house it is necessary to offer them some drink or some sex.  I tend to offer the first 99.9% of the time.  There is always a bottle of Komkatcha or Dark Eyes vodka in the freezer, just waiting for guests.  Really, it's easy, just don't stop the party.  Keep it going down the street back to your house.  There was one time, someone came over and brought a whole bucket full of jungle juice.  It was fantastic.  After parties happen often in this household and sometimes, they're more fun than the party you were at!  My roommate and I have seriously considered getting a babysitter though, after someone puked in our sink.  Get those speakers pumping and don't stop the party!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0H57JeQYN4

How to Convincingly Lie

Now, I do not condone lying, because quite honestly, things seem to work out better if you were to just admit the truth.  However, I have come to realize that there are certain times when lying is almost necessary.  If there is one thing that I have learned from my ex, it is how to lie... He has me beat, but I picked up a few tips along the way.
1.) Come up with something that you, yourself would believe and go out of your way to make sure that it cannot be proven as a lie.
For example: When I was in high school one time, I wanted to skip class to hang out with my boyfriend at the time.  At lunch, I stole a ketchup pack, went to the bathroom, and applied it to my genital region (on the pants).  Oh no, Miss Office Lady, I started my period.  Wam Bam, there you go.  No one is going to argue with that. Although, if you are a man, I don't suggest this one... Instead, tell them you have explosive diarrhea or something.
2.) Convince yourself that the lie is the truth.  I have come to realize that it is not incredibly difficult to do this.  All you have to do is recite it over and over and over until you can't even remember the full true story.  This way, you can also have your story straight just in case if anyone questions it.
3.) Put on your acting skills.  All of us were equipped with them, all of us have the capability to use them effectively.  The time that this is super appropriate is at gift giving time, when you get that super lame gift that you can't even understand why someone would get it for you.
For example:  My grandmother never gives amazing gifts, as much as she tries it just doesn't happen, bless her heart.  One year I got this sweatshirt with an 'A' on the front.  An 'A', that doesn't even make any sort of sense.  It was hideous aside from not making sense, BUT, she is my grandmother and I love her to death so I used my acting skills.  By the end of the day, you would have thought that she gave me the best gift that I have ever gotten in my whole life.
4.) Never switch up your story.  This goes along with the first two.  No matter how ridiculous the whole story may be, no one can convict you otherwise, unless if they have proof.  Therefore, stick to your original story as much as possible.
5.) Lastly, if you get caught, admit the truth.  It is not only more noble to admit that you fucked up, but if you are trapped in a corner, give yourself the freedom, no matter how painful it may be.  Afterall, we are human, we are imperfect, and we are all bound to make mistakes.

Sam the Fag Hag

Here is when my blog becomes slightly political (according to who you are).  If you are my mom reading this then you would think it is political.  However, if this is someone similar to me, then homosexuality is not seen as a political issue at all.
I guess my personal opinion on the whole subject is rather strange.  I see the world through the eyes of one of the biggest potheads in the world, Mr. Bob Marley.  I like to preach one love and believe that everyone believes or feels the way that they do for their own reasons, which I should not judge.  I support gays and I support gay marriage... To a certain extent.  
I was always raised Catholic.  I was a member of the church until I was a senior in high school.  So, that's 17 years of my life I was a dedicated Catholic.  Quite honestly, I was not a fantastic Catholic, which I will get into in one of my later blogs.  I don't really feel as though anyone could be because we were all born with imperfections and we all make mistakes.  However, homosexuality is not something that one can help.  Do I think that homosexuals should get married in a Catholic church?  No.  See, I have come to understand that many things are just the way that you interpret them and if there is a church out there, which I'm sure there is, that does not focus so much on the fact that marriage is between a woman and a man, then gays should be able to get married.  I understand that we are a Christian nation, but gay marriage should not be something political, it should be purely a religious battle.  If there is a church out there that allows gay marriage it should be allowed. 
I remember one time my brother said to me, "If we allow gays to get married then we should allow animals to get married to people and the whole idea of marriage is completely ruined".  This is bullshit.  This really pissed me off.  Animals do not have a conscious like humans do, and if they do, they do not have the mental capacity to agree on a union.  Homosexuals and animals should not fall into the same category.
Some of my better friends throughout my life have been gay and I support them and wouldn't want them any other way.  Some of those friends are more religious than me, but religions deny them because of their sexual orientation.  I, personally, am open to love, wherever it comes from.  I don't see myself with a woman in the future, because quite honestly, we're overly emotional and I just cannot deal with that.  But, I never can tell what the future may bring and twenty years from now, who knows where I will be. Love is a beautiful thing and we should never restrict the opportunity for ourselves or others.
I guess the real deal breaker for this whole issue (gay marriage) comes with the fact that I have had quite a few friends that claim themselves to be atheist get married.  Atheism is when someone denies the existence of any sort of higher power.  So an atheist person is allowed to get married as long as the relationship is heterosexual, however, a gay christian (jew, muslim, or whatever) cannot get married because the union is not heterosexual.  
Can someone please tell me what's wrong with this picture?

How to Be Gracefully Lazy

I don't know if it has something to do with the generation that I was born into and how our attention span is equivalent to a ...uh.. What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, goldfish.  Anyway, laziness is my number one attraction.  Love it or leave it, it's what I do and what I do well.  This includes procrastination.  It also includes half-assing my way through just about everything.  It includes starting many projects, but not finishing them.  The list goes on an on really.  I guess the only thing that I have never been lazy about was communication and social skills, which I suppose, go hand in hand.  With badass communication skills, I have learned the delightful art of manipulation with just a splash of luck. 

There was one point in time when I was taking a class at the University.  I attempted to drop it because my laziness had, once again, gotten the best of me.  I went to the administration building, got one of those little green pieces of paper, I just needed the professors signature and the process would be done.  However, my teacher was oddly fond of me, and tried to convince me that I could do it, I really could.  I had two days to make up all of my missed homework assignments, which was, oh, about 90% of the semester worth of assignments.  I half-assed my way through the assignments, which in my defense, had to do with the fact that it was finals week and I had a ton of other things to do. <- Believe it or not, I'm actually productive for about the last four weeks of a semester and usually somehow end up pulling my shit together.  So anyway, I know that I was going to get below a C in the class, there was no doubt.  I hadn't even learned the criteria exceptionally well!   I was working on the final that made absolutely no sense when I got a note passed to me.  I glanced around the room and opened it up "Sam, what grade do you need in this class? -Ms. ********".  I wasn't going to be ridiculous and say an A, because after all, I would be happy to get a B- in the class, so that's what I wrote.  Oddly enough, that's what popped up as my final grade.  Now perhaps, I really had deserved that B-.  I tend to keep it pretty close with my teachers and stay in touch, even get to know them on a personal level sometimes.  I do go to class almost every day, unless if I have a legitimate excuse (I slept through my alarm, sick, etc.).  I just find it ironic that due to amazing communication efforts, but little work I got exactly what I was okay with.  

This is the way that my life works, for the most part as a graceful underachiever.